I’m not running anymore…
I said the words out loud but couldn’t believe that I said them. “I’m not running anymore. I’m good. I’ll walk a half marathon, but I have no interest in running it.” I couldn’t believe I’d said it out loud. You would have thought that my world would have crashed in on me. I always thought that if I ever uttered those words, I’d be drawing my last breath. But none of the above occurred.
Instead I enjoyed the conversation with my cousin. We laughed and she told me the beauty she experienced at her latest half mile venue at Niagara Falls. It was so good to hear her talk with the excitement I used to. She has one more to conquer this year to make her 4 half marathon goal. (she’s turning 52 and 4 X 13=52) I thought it was a bold and fun idea. She traveled all over the county to run the events which made it even more exciting. Chicago, Niagara Falls and Indianapolis and Cincinnati’s Queen Bee were left for the year. And with the help of a supportive running club (Black Girls Run) she’s embraced the ‘thing’ she used to scorn me for. But perhaps scorn isn’t the right word. She didn’t scorn me for living my life as a runner and top athlete. She just didn’t understand how I was so driven. In some respects she may have even envied my athletic prowess and accomplishments. But regardless of how she may have felt, she always loved that I loved what I did and running / sprinting was my thing. And she supported me whole heartedly.
She asked me ‘are you really not running anymore?’ With a smile and laughter I explained that the mental strain of the last half marathon (Queen Bee 2015) was enough to convince me that perhaps I could do something else. Half way through that marathon my thoughts began to wander as never before. I wanted to know when the race would end. ‘Are we there yet?’ was all I could think of. 🙂 I walked a long time and had no remorse – I had NEVER done that before. I just wanted to know how many miles left until it was over. When I got to the last half mile literally all uphill, I just wanted to die. When I finally crossed the finish line, I said ‘no more’.
So I told her I’d discovered the power and benefits of walking! My husband and I walked 3-5 miles a day and my FitBit Surge is set for 12,000 steps per day! And I feel amazing! Its like I ran the same mileage. That night after that conversation, I realized that I had let it go. Even if only for the moment, I had finally let go of the ‘thing’ that had literally ruled my life and thoughts for probably 75% of my life. It felt to not be controlled by a ‘thing’ especially for the wrong reasons! Running is an amazing sport and phenomenal exercise tool. I owe expensive private undergrad tuition and a wonderful and well traveled life to it.
But now I can do something else, without the guilt of ‘not running’. It was time to let it go.
What do you need to let go of, so something else positive can take its place?